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July in Review

I don’t remember what happened the first half of July, because I didn’t blog. Oh right, well there was the 4th of July I spent alone at my parent’s house watching my grandpa’s dog when I should have been out having fun with friends watching fireworks; but I was too stubborn to change my mind after text-fighting with a friend after I made an “I’m too fat” comment. I should have blogged about that.

Then I’m pretty sure I worked out and ate right that week, and fought with my BodyBugg because I don’t think it counts steps or activity minutes correctly. I should have blogged about that too.

I should have blogged about a whole lot of things that I can’t remember anymore, and now don’t care about, because on July 14th, my grandpa passed away.

At this point, my thoughts and emotions are too private to share for the world to read. I am very very sad and a little bit lost. I cry when I think about him, and I bawl when my mom cries. I took days off work and canceled all my plans including my training sessions. People understand when there is a death.

I held it together pretty well until Sunday the 18th – when I decided that, calories be damned, I wanted Cheddar Pringles and Mint Oreos. And then I had a little mental breakdown about why I was even trying to lose weight, which turned into wondering why the heck I’m incapable of blogging regularly which turned into a whole flood of other thoughts and emotions that have been simmering just under the surface for years now… and then I stuffed them all back inside and went back to work on Monday with an “I’m perfectly fine” smile on my face, like I always have my entire life because I need to be perceived as having it all together.

His funeral was on Monday. I don’t think the cemetery was expecting so many people. I know I wasn’t expecting to start crying at the site of so many who had loved him lined up in their cars; the line winding down the entire road. I bawled when the soldiers slowly saluted his casket. I bawled when they draped it in an American flag. I bawled when the guns were fired. I totally lost it when they played Taps. I couldn’t watch my uncle’s face when they handed him the skillfully folded flag, or the shell casings. I stared at the casket while another uncle read a poem he had written for my grandparents. My grandma passed away almost three years ago from breast cancer.

The service was thirty minutes long because the military is on a schedule. It was the way he would have wanted it. Short. Sweet. To the point. He probably would have preferred that we’d all raised a beer instead of crying. He wasn’t much for fanfare or emotions, but the way his face lit up when he saw you, you knew you were loved. I miss his smile.

We did get a little laugh when my aunt noticed a Made In China sticker on his casket – and quickly picked it off. We laughed because my grandpa was a hobbyist carpenter. He loved to make things with his own hands. He built his house. He made furniture. I have tables he’s made. Oh the irony, even in death. He loved to tell jokes, so perhaps this was his final gift to us.

I love you grampa.

Two Months is Too Long

I really hope every one of my blog posts doesn’t start with “wow I can’t believe it’s been two months!” haha! All joking aside, I really can’t believe it’s been two months!! Oh, but what a great two months it’s been! You’d like a full recap, yes? How about the CliffsNotes version?

Back at the beginning of May I decided to look into working with a personal trainer. I’d been going to the gym a couple times a week, but I knew I needed to do more if I was serious about losing this weight, and quite honestly, I needed someone to tell me what to do! So I met with a trainer on the recommendation of a friend at work, and I haven’t looked back! She kicks my butt two times a week and for the last month I’ve been up and at the gym by 6am at least 5 days a week!

My reward? Twelve pounds gone forever! I am so proud of myself! I have a long way to go, but I am certain that this time is different, and I will lose all of this excess weight! I’ve made it through a personal move, a Holiday, saying goodbye to good friends who moved across the country and my first vacation as someone living a healthy lifestyle! The past two months have made me realize that I can do this! I can make the right food choices, I can workout even when I don’t feel like it, and most importantly I can and will put myself first because I am worth it.

I do wish I’d been writing everyday to have a record of all the mindset changes and emotions I’ve gone through, but one thing I’m learning is to keep looking forward, so that is what I’ll do. I will continue to eat healthy, stay active, and blog the rest of my journey!

Thanks for sticking with me!

PS: I got a BodyBugg! I’ll be reviewing it later
PPS: I just realized that it’s been more like THREE months since my last post! Doh!! Looking forward, looking forward, looking forward!

Time Flies… With or Without You

*possible rambling, my apologies in advance.

Where the heck did the last two months go?? Wow. I think every day about writing; and every day I stare at my computer and my fingers fail me. I have grandiose ideas about what I want this blog to be and I think so much about it that I get paralyzed and do nothing instead. Maybe I’m just afraid of what will happen when I get what I want, and become who I want to be. I don’t know who she is, and that does scare me.

I have such awful follow through: Writing. Starting a business. Losing weight. Getting out of debt. Creating deeper friendships with old and new friends. If you have ever heard the saying that ‘people choose college majors based on what they want to fix or find out about themselves’, then this should make perfect sense: My major included concentrations in Psychology and Sociology.

The catalyst for me really thinking about all of this now is the untimely (read: forced) departure of a dearly respected leader at my firm. The dirty details are unnecessary, but the thing that struck me, more than the disappointment and bewilderment of the situation, was his attitude. Although disappointed at how it ended, he is ever positive, gracious and upbeat about his future. He is excited for what is to come. This thing that for the rest of us seems so heartbreaking, was actually what has pushed him to pursue a future that he has envisioned for himself for quite awhile now. He has a plan.

My negatively positive personality comes out at this point as I look at this two ways:

1. Never stop dreaming and planning! It may take 30 years but you never know when your chance will come. Luck comes to those who are prepared when the right situation presents itself.

2. Why wait 30 years for what you can do now?! Obviously there are some things that need time and preparation, but for me, nothing I want to do requires this! Nothing. There is no reason for me to still be in the position that I have kept myself in for 10 years.

I have a plan. I have had a plan for awhile now, and I don’t want to wait 30 years for someone else to force me to do what I should be choosing to do for myself now.

I have spent the last two months letting life pass me by. I’m not saying it was bad, on the contrary it was quite good. But nothing like it could have been had I been working my plan. It’s so easy to just sit back and let things happen – even if they are seemingly benign ‘just livin’ life’ moments. I still want those moments; but more than that I want to make things happen in my life that in turn make other things happen and so on. I want to be a force… I am going to be a force.

Lazy Does It

I thought about how I should re-start this blog, and quite frankly I need to just follow my own advice and jump in.  So let me tell you this:  I’m lazy.  I do a whole lot of thinking about doing things, and barely any of the actual doing.  I have always been a planner but somewhere in the last 12 years my ‘planning’ has turned into one excuse after another to not do whatever it is that I’m thinking about doing.

• Exercise? Tomorrow will work better for me.  I”m tired right now and my knee hurts a little… plus it’s cold/hot/rainy/dry/stormy/beautiful outside, and I just don’t feel like working out.
• Eat Better? Tomorrow.  I really want some Taco Bell/Burger King/Burgerville/pizza right now.  Besides, buying all those fresh fruits and veggies is so expensive!
• Save money/get out of debt? Every time I try to save I end up having to spend it on something, so what’s the point?  My budget looks good on paper but sometimes I need another Starbucks and everyone eats out at lunch!  I just don’t make enough money and I’ll just have to deal with living paycheck to paycheck.
• Go Out More? I’m too tired and I don’t like crowds.  Besides, I don’t like being the fat one in the group and everyone else will just wonder what I’m doing hanging out with the skinny girls.  And what if a guy tries to talk to me?  I don’t want a guy to like me when I look like this!  And traveling is out of the question!  I refuse to have fat vacation pictures taken, and you can’t make me!

Okay, so maybe I’m not so much lazy as I am overflowing with finely crafted excuses, perfected over the last decade – with a few tantrums thrown in for good measure.  I’m not good with ultimatums either, or deadlines, as I am apparently happy to just wave at them as they fly by.

What I need to do is make a choice.  A choice to do what I know needs to be done.  A choice to live the life I want.  A choice to make the changes, and take the steps necessary to make that life a reality.  I will not be happy until that life is firmly in my grasp, and I am the only person that can make it happen.

I need to jump, and this blog is me leaping off the end of the dock into the unknown – sink or swim – here I am.

A New Year – A New Beginning … again.

**I just moved from wordpress.com to .org (self-hosted) and I’m still getting my toes wet (how ironic that this doesn’t jive with the whole purpose of this blog… ha!) but I’ll have new posts soon!  I didn’t transfer my old blog to this one because, well, there really wasn’t much there and I really just want a whole new start.  If you’re following me on Twitter, I’ll tweet when this thing is ready to roll.  :)